


who needs memories

by hqten



Series: ten's sakuatsu angst week 2021 [7]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Car Accident, Childhood Friends, M/M, Memory Loss, no happy ending, this probably isn't medically accurate but miya atsumu transcends the laws of science
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-22 14:14:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30039921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqten/pseuds/hqten
Summary: Sakusa’s phone vibrates, so he glances at the screen to see a message from Miya Osamu.It’s seven words long and each one is a knife in his back.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: ten's sakuatsu angst week 2021 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2204862
Comments: 12
Kudos: 59
Collections: SakuAtsuAngstWeek





	who needs memories

**Author's Note:**

> please be wary of the tags !!
> 
> i'm back with the cliche titles oops
> 
> for sakuatsu angst week, day seven, prompt two : memory loss

Sakusa’s phone vibrates, so he glances at the screen to see a message from Miya Osamu.

It’s seven words long and each one is a knife in his back.

_ How soon can you get to Hyogo? _

His fingers slip as he struggles to reply. He doesn’t usually talk to Osamu; the only reason he has his number is because of Atsumu. He’s been dating Osamu’s twin brother for two months now, and has known him for six months, since they met at the all japan youth training camp. He asks Osamu what happened, hands trembling as he awaits a reply.

_ Car accident _ .

Sakusa’s blood runs cold.

It’s a miracle he manages to make it out of his house and to the train station. He pulls his face mask tighter around his head, not just because of the increased exposure, but because he doesn’t want anyone to see his lip trembling as he tries not to cry.

Four hours later and he’s passing through the doors of Kobe Tokushukai hospital. The ground sways beneath him as he approaches the front desk.

“I came- i came to see-” The words die in his throat as he hears an alarm sound in the distance. The shrill piercing vibrates in his ears and he’s robbed of all sensible thought. It’s a good thing that he’s in a hospital, because there’s a possibility that he’s about to pass out.

His saving grace comes in the form of Osamu appearing next to him, relief showing on his face.

“Kiyoomi,” he breathes. “Yer here. Finally.”

“Is he okay?”

“He’s upstairs.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“I’ll explain as we go.” He pulls Sakusa in the direction of a staircase, and jumps up two steps at a time. “We were walking back from the town centre.”

Sakusa remains silent, allowing Osamu to tell whatever horror story this was.

“And we were laughing, and he was walking backwards to show off, and didn’t see the road.” Osamu clenches his jaw. “The fucker walked backwards into a car with a smile on his face.”

“Oh,” is the only sound that escapes Sakusa’s mouth.

“It’s only minor bruising. But-” He pauses, glancing at Sakusa out of the corner of his eye. “He hit his head pretty hard as he fell.”

“Did he-”

“You’ll see when we get there.”

“No.” Sakusa stops where he is, so Osamu turns back to face him. “Tell me now.”

Osamu shuffles his feet.

“It’ll be easier if-”

“Please.”

“He has a concussion. Amnesia. Whatever ya wanna call it. Memory loss, I think they said.”

“What does he remember?”

Osamu doesn’t meet Sakusa’s gaze.

“That’s what the doctors are tryna find out now. They said it’s normal to forget a few things-”

“Will he remember me?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”

Too few minutes pass and they’re outside a hospital room which Sakusa assumes is Atsumu’s. Osamu creaks the door open and pokes his head through the gap.

“Tsumu? You awake?”

“‘Samu? Ya bastard, where’d ya go?”

“To get Kiyoomi.”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi? The guy from Itachiyama?”

“Yeah,” Osamu says, gesturing for Sakusa to enter the room.

Sakusa steps in to see Atsumu sitting up on the bed. Apart from the heavy bruising on his forehead, he looks good. His eyes are lively and his hair is messed up and there’s an amused grin on his face.

“Sakusa?” Atsumu's lips twist into that familiar smirk. “Whatcha doing here?”

_ Sakusa _ .

For some reason, that cuts deeper than Sakusa should allow it to.

Osamu casts a nervous glance back at Sakusa, his eyes asking  _ should I? _

Sakusa's silence is enough of an answer.

“Hello? Did I lose my hearing or something? Why are ya not answering me?”

Osamu nudges Atsumu in the ribs, gentler than it would have been had Atsumu not been in a hospital bed.

“I came to check on you,” Sakusa answers steadily, trying and failing to not panic.

“Why?”

_ Good question _ , Sakusa wants to say,  _ maybe because we're in love _ .

Not anymore.

“Because we're friends,” is all Sakusa's wretched tongue can say.

“Really? You and me? Friends?”

Sakusa notices Osamu close his eyes, perhaps in resignation or weariness. Or both.

“Yes. We're friends.”

“Who woulda thought it? Me and Sakusa, friends? Ya learn something new every day!”

Sakusa never thought he'd miss Atsumu calling him  _ Omi-Omi _ .

“Yes.” His voice feels tiny, lost amidst the suffocating air of the hospital room. “We've been friends for a while.”

“Atsumu.” Osamu drags Sakusa out of his thoughts. “What's the last thing that you remember?”

Atsumu shrugs.

“Not really sure. I know bits and pieces. I remember that you’re a dick.”

“What do you remember about me?” Sakusa asks, hoping to see any reaction on Atsumu’s face.

“Yer the ace from the highlighter team, right? We’ve played you a coupla times.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t remember us being friends, though.”

“It'll be okay,” Osamu reassures, with a smile that wasn't quite a smile. “The doctors said your memory might come back soon.”

“Doesn't matter to me.” Atsumu yawns, his eyes squinting. “I probably woulda remembered the important stuff.”

“Yeah.” Osamu lets out a breath. “Probably.”

"And it's not like I care much.” Atsumu grins. “After all, who needs memories?”

“Who needs memories,” Osamu echoes, his voice bouncing off the walls of the chasm which Sakusa's heart is currently falling into.

  
  


They manage to be friends. Once Atsumu is released from hospital, and Sakusa’s initial shock fades and gives way to emptiness, they manage to be friends. Some weekends, Sakusa will travel to Hyogo, and some weekends, the twins will visit him in Tokyo.

Friends.

They laugh and joke and play around like teenage boys do. They wrestle during a sleepover and Atsumu ends up on top of Sakusa, pinning him down with their mouths millimetres apart, so close that Sakusa can taste his breath.

Friends.

They fall asleep on the couch, Atsumu lying on top of Sakusa, head pressed into the crook of his neck and blond hair tickling at his chin.

Friends.

They practice volleyball together during the holidays. Atsumu sets to both Osamu and Sakusa and they spike. When Osamu gets bored, he leaves, and it’s just the two of them.

They continue to practice. After a particularly good set and an equally good spike, Atsumu hugs him. His embrace is comforting and soft and Sakusa reciprocates, allowing himself to be held.

Friends.

On the night before the interhigh final, they’re standing on the balcony of Inarizaki’s hotel. The wind is cold and Atsumu’s presence is warm. They’re looking over the edge and staring down at the city. Streetlights and car headlights twinkle beneath them, shining against the darkness. Atsumu’s hand rests on the edge of the balcony and Sakusa’s is next to it, so close that he could straighten his finger and they’d connect.

Friends.

Atsumu clears his throat.

“We’re playing you tomorrow.”

“You are.”

“Good luck. I mean, we’re gonna win. But good luck.”

“You sound pretty sure about that.”

“Obviously! No offence to you.”

Sakusa laughs gently.

“We’ll see.”

“When ya lose, just remember that you had the privilege of playing against me! You should be honoured.”

“I am.”

“And you should be even more honoured to be my friend.”

“Your friend,” Sakusa murmurs.

“Huh? Why’d you say it like that?”

“Don't worry.”

Atsumu glances at him, sighs, and looks away.

“I know that I used to be yer boyfriend.”

Sakusa’s heart skips a beat, then makes up for it by pounding twice as fast.

“You do?”

“Yeah. I think it was a week after the accident, when I started to remember shit.”

“Atsumu,” Sakusa whispers. "That was months ago.”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Atsumu shrugs and crosses his arms in front of his chest.

“‘Cause it didn’t make sense.”

“What didn’t?”

"I remember that we were in love. But I don't remember loving you. So I guess I stopped loving.”

“Did you- did you even try-”

“I tried, alright, I fucking tried!” Atsumu raises his voice and exhales sharply. “I spent hours staring at my ceiling, wondering what it was that made me love you, and wondering why on earth I don’t miss ya at all.”

“Two months.”

“Huh?”

“We were together for two whole months,” Sakusa says. “Was all of that erased in a single day?”

Atsumu shrugs again.

“I guess.”

“You didn’t even want to start again?”

“No, Kiyoomi. I said I don't love you anymore. So why the hell would I wanna start again?”

Sakusa looks at the floor.

“I don’t know. I guess i was waiting-”

Atsumu laughs and it’s cruel and twisted and forced.

“Waiting for me to fall in love again?”

“Yes.”

Atsumu shakes his head.

“If we were supposed to be, i wouldn’t have forgotten.”

“Are you saying that you never loved me at all?”

Atsumu doesn’t reply.

“Atsumu, please.”

“Just forget it. Forget that you loved me.”

“I still do.”

“Forget it,” Atsumu repeats, gritting his teeth. “I did, so why can’t you?”

Sakusa swallows the rising lump in his throat and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Please.”

“Look. If ya wanna hold onto memories from a year ago, feel free.” He starts back towards the hotel, away from Sakusa. "I don’t love you, and i don’t remember loving you.” Atsumu stops, and his mouth opens as if to add something else, but then closes.

The balcony feels empty. The air feels empty. Everything feels empty, except for Sakusa’s heart, which is full of discarded memories that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to let go of.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading !!
> 
> talk to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/hqtens)


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